Mooch Feldman, 1938 Media.

You know, it's tough being a failure. Been facing up to that for the last few days. That's why the postings have slowed down, here and on 1938 Media.

Once, I was an actor. Hollywood. Screen Actors Guild member. Now? A nobody. You can't even find me in IMDB. Chrissakes! Even B grade porn stars are in IMDB. Me? Not a mention. I'm 42 now, and it's as if I graduated high school yesterday.

After Hollywood, started a viral video company. Figured that if anyone knew what was funny and viral I would. Here's my best.



437 views. Including my own, just now. The problem? Pilates just isn't gut busting funny. Know what I mean?

Now it's make puppet shows.

The silver screen to pilates to puppets.

That's Hollywood. Time to go visit the shrink.

Mooch Feldman, 1938 Media

Mooch Feldman, 1938 Media.com,here.

Do you think I might be gay? I'm seriously wondering, and my shrink says I need to explore it. I mean, not explore being gay or anything, but just explore whether I might be gay. After all, I know Moira's seriously concerned about it. Yeah, in the video I did about my Ian Thomas man-love night she was sayin' it wasn't possible, but I know and you know... she was just hiding how concerned she really was. That's a mothers job, right?

But seriously. I've just spent three weeks with my guy friends, crashing on their floors, mooching their food and being an obnoxious asshole. Why? My shrink says maybe I wanted to be close to them.

Could a guy with a face like this really want to be close to other guys? What do you think?



Mooch Feldman, 1938 Media.com.

Mooch Feldman, 1938 Media.com, here again.

Yeah, I've been seeing an analyst, ok? Like this journal, it's all part of my journey to get in touch with myself.

Anyway, like I was saying, I was at my analyst. It turns out I'm fucked up since I was a kid. See that picture up at the top there? That's me. Don't I look like something out of The Omen?

Sorry about the language, Moira. I'm tryin' not to curse, but that one just slipped out. I'll put another quarter in the jar.

Or, on second thought, maybe I won't.

See, Moira's part of the reason I'm so fucked messed up, I think. Ever since that bee-hive, I've been in love with her. Admit it, she's gorgeous. If she was your mother, you'd love her too! My shrink calls it an Oedipus complex, but most people just call me a momma's boy. I hate that. Just like I hated my father. And I hate that I can't relate to women either.

And I look so much like Moira too. She could be my sister.  Or even me with a wig!  Maybe that's why I fit in so well with the trannies in San Fran.  I'm gonna have to ask the shrink about that one.

But like I was saying, I've just never been able to relate to a woman. Not since Moira. That's why I'm 42, and I still don't have anyone.  That's why the only picture you ever seen of me is with a dolphin, or my mother. Cute dolphin, isn't it?  Dolphin's aren't needy.  And dolphin sex is a beautiful thing!



Mothers are needy, on the other hand. 

Of course, there's Michelle. Michelle honey, I'm really sorry. I know you're not a dolphin.  And, you're kinda like Moira, but I don't think she ever made matzoh lasagna near as good as yours. 

See, my shrink says it's like this Michelle. I was trying so hard to impress the guys (you know who I mean... Arrington and Calacanis), and subconsciously I thought that they'd just think I was some kind of weenie if wasn't gettin' any.  Deep down I was worried that I wouldn't fit in. So deep, I didn't even know it. Know what I mean? My shrink says it was all just a huge front. My subconscious was saying "What better way to make sure that Arrington and Calacanis are impressed with my guy-hood than to shoot a video with some nice trim in the tub on a friday night!".

And you know what?  It worked.  I got to hang with Arrington and smoke Calacanis' cigars and drink his port for a whole two weeks!

Sorry Michelle.  Sweetie, we're through, and I'm not sure we ever got started either.

Mooch Feldman, 1938 Media

Hey -- it's me.  Mooch.  Again.

So, listen.  That last posting I put up using my nasty persona?  I didn't really mean it.  Yeah, it's true, I am a genius.  But I didn't really mean that you were a dope.  Honest.  I would have called you a complete f-ing idiot if I really thought you were a dope.

Anyway, that would be completely insensitive, and I'm working really hard on being a kinder, gentler genius.  Friends?  OK. 

Mooch Feldman, 1938 Media. 

P.S.  Did you notice I'm working on getting the cursing down?  Moira says I have to put a quarter in the jar every time I say fuck... oh shit... damn... that just cost me 75 cents!

Hey. Loren Feldman, 1938 Media here.

I have this nickname "mooch". It's like a middle name. Loren "mooch" Feldman. You know how I was calling Jason Calacanis by his middle name in one of my videos last week -- McCabe? Well, it's the same thing for me. People I really know call me mooch.

Why? Well, 'cause I am a mooch! Unlike my "nasty asshole" persona, which is really just an act (as you know), being a mooch isn't something you can just turn on and off. It's who you are.

I'm serious. Really.

The last two weeks, mooching off Arrington and Calacanis, that's the real me. I'm the Cala-mooch! Sorry Arrington -- the quality of Calacanis' moochables is so much higher than yours, that he gets top billing. 

And remember.  Even though it helps to have friends you can mooch off that have good taste, you can mooch anything. I even tried to mooch a seder in San Francisco from people I didn't even know!



Now, being a mooch is not just who I am, it's also a survival skill. Remember that tour I took of Venice Beach with Shel puppet? The homeless guy I filmed (I feel really badly about that. That was just ... so insensitive.)


Now that me and Michelle are split, and I have no cozy home to visit in NY,  that could be me. I even bought a hat like a homeless guy. Except that I'm such a good mooch.

Mooching.  It's a way of life.  And I feel like, since we know each other so well, it's ok if you call me by my nickname "mooch" too. 

"mooch" Feldman, 1938 Media.

Loren Feldman, 1938 Media.com.

I decided I needed a place to put down my innermost thoughts. To show the softer side of myself. And what better way to do that than on my own live journal.

Really.

This is big. I always wanted to be an actor.  I've been working on the "Loren Feldman the asshole" persona since second grade, but there's always been a little boy inside who loves to bake cookies with his mom just screaming to get out.

This is my private diary. Kind of like Jakob and Julia, but without Julia.

Anyway, trust me. I know what I'm doing.

Loren Feldman, 1938 Media.com